You Don’t Have To Heal Me
You trace my scars with your eyes long before your hands ever ask to touch
cataloging every rough patch like it is a puzzle to solve
You hear my stories, the bad nights, the burnt bridges
the panic, the dumb choices
the way my past still likes to evolve
You say things like “I wish I had met you sooner
I could have saved you from all that hurt
” all those wrong turns and flames, I laugh
tilt my head
tell you I am pretty sure even you could not have stopped half of that
no matter how good your intent.
You reach for my shoulders when I flinch at loud sounds
apologize like you caused every crack that came before
You make playlists full of songs about fixing broken hearts and mending souls and ushering someone through a magic door
You look at me like I am a project to complete
a half finished piece you can turn into a finished piece if you just try hard enough
But I am not a before and after photo
I am not a makeover project
I am not a redemption arc waiting for soft hands and fluff.
You fell for me
not for a fantasy of who you could turn me into if you just loved me right
If you stay
stay because you enjoy this chaotic work in progress
not because you want full credit when my world feels light
If you go
go knowing you are not abandoning something you failed to fix with your shining will.
You do not have to heal me
I am not your responsibility, your mission
your proof that love solves all, My crap predates you
my scars have their own seasons
their own strange rise and fall
I want you as my partner, not my doctor, not my savior
not the one who catches every call
You do not have to heal me to be the best thing that ever happened to this stubborn heart at all.
We can hold each other through the shakes
talk each other down when our brains start spinning lies at three in the morning
Share coping tricks, share blankets
share bad jokes and warnings about the signs that our storms are forming
But I refuse to hand you the keys to my entire mental mess and say fix it or you failed
That is not romance
that is an unfair job with no pay and a guarantee you will leave feeling derailed.
I will work on my shit in my own time
with my own tools
with my own crew of friends and professionals and late night walks
I want you for movie nights and make outs and road trips and trash talk
Not as a full time mechanic patching leaks in all my locks.
You do not have to heal me
I am not your responsibility, your mission
your proof that love solves all, My crap predates you
my scars have their own seasons
their own strange rise and fall
I want you as my partner, not my doctor, not my savior
not the one who catches every call
You do not have to heal me to be the best thing that ever happened to this stubborn heart at all.
If we grow together, it will be because we chose to
not because one of us dragged the other across some straight finish line
We will celebrate each other’s therapy wins
each new boundary
each day we both decide to stay and align
But if either of us stumbles
it will not be proof the other lacked enough love
enough will, enough light
Sometimes storms just hit; our job is to hold hands under the awning
not single handedly stop the rain.
So please hear me when I say with every nerve turned honest and bare
You do not have to heal me to earn your place in this wild unfair affair
Bring your jokes, your body heat, your patience
your flawed self, your tangled hair
Leave the savior complex at the curb, take my hand
and meet me halfway there.
When you look at my bruises and feel guilt rise like a wall in your chest
push it down and replace it with this line
You are here to love me, not rebuild me
and that alone already feels fine.