Need to Feel
I learned to swallow the pain before I knew what it was trying to say,
Love as an abstraction with no real weight in my hands.
Cold was easier than the sting of truth left raw.
Need to feel but I built my life around keeping that door locked.
The lies we fed ourselves went down easy, settled smooth in the gut.
Everyone playing their part, hitting their marks,
Emotion performed on cue.
Numbness became the operating system and feeling cost extra.
Need to feel and in trying I lost everything.
The wiring’s shot through with rust, every signal arriving half-destroyed.
A world that trained my feelings to register as threat.
Need to feel and I’m not finished with this yet.
Outside, everything was burning but I kept the shutters drawn tight.
Nothingness felt like safety, like clothes I’d chosen to wear.
I told myself the numbness was the gift distributed to the truly immune.
Need to feel and I’m completely out of tune.
Now I’m asking if love was something I ever actually held,
Or just a role I performed because I couldn’t bear the silence of standing still.
Numb from the need to feel but the ache won’t sign its name to resignation.
Need to feel worth every line.