Braver When I Screw It Up
I am braver when I screw it up
when the song falls apart
and my voice goes rough
in the middle of a verse
When I drop the ball
forget the words
spill the drink
miss the bus
watch my plans derail
and call it a blessing
not a curse
Perfection never taught me half as much
as every glorious public crash
when I refused to give up
First time I walked up front
with a six-string I could barely tune
my hands shook so hard
the pick almost flew into the crowd
Voice scraped raw
heart pounding loud enough
to compete with the monitors
brain screaming “abort, abort”
way too loud
I hit a chord
that did not belong anywhere in the key
sang a line out of order
forgot the bridge
cursed under my breath into the mic
Waited for the shame avalanche
for the boos
for the laughter
for that old nightmare
of everyone seeing exactly
what a fraud looks like
Instead one drunk in the front row
whooped like I had just pulled off
some rock star stunt
clapped off beat
yelled “do it again”
Someone in the back raised their beer
and screamed the wrong lyrics
in solidarity
proving that perfection
isn’t the only way to win
I stumbled through the rest
found my footing
left sweating
mortified
wired like I had swallowed
a live wire whole
And in the alley after
shaking in the cold
I realized
I had done the thing I feared the most
and the sky did not crack or roll
Every time I screw it up in public
some secret part of me
grows teeth and spine
learns that humiliation is a shitty god
not worth worship or sacrifice
or all this time
I told someone I loved them too early once
words tumbling out over cheap coffee
on a morning that did not earn
that kind of confession
They froze
blinked
stuttered something about needing time
then ghosted me so hard
my phone felt like it had lost connection
For weeks I replayed it
felt my stomach drop
every time I remembered their face
that silence
the way I wanted to peel my own skin off
and hide
Then one night
a friend sobbed on my floor
about being too scared to speak
and I heard my own voice say
“tell them, at least you’ll know
you didn’t die inside”
This is for the text you wish you had not sent
the joke that bombed
the day you fell up front
and heard that awful sudden hush
For the job interview where you blanked
the date where your stomach growled
louder than your talk
the family dinner where your honesty
made everyone flush
The world keeps selling composure
like it is proof of worth
but I have seen more courage
in the kid who chokes and tries again
than in any smooth-talking ghost
I would rather be the fool
who fucks it up in full surround sound
than the quiet shadow
who never leaves the post
If you see me fall apart
mid-sentence
mid-song
mid-kiss
do not look away like it is a sin
That is just another little piece of fear dying
another scar that proves
I let life in