Binge Until the Blackout

Binge until the blackout
till my sight flickers
and the room goes soft and mean

Stuff my head
gut
heart
with anything that keeps me
from hearing that silent scream

Night starts quiet
just a snack
just one drink
just one hit
just one scroll through clips
that rot my brain into slime

Next thing I know
the room is tilting
wrappers on the floor
the clock stole ten hours
out of time

Stomach twisted
head ringing like a broken bell
hammered by a god
that loves to watch me choke

I tell myself I’ll stop tomorrow
while I suck cheese dust off my fingers
and hit replay on a video I hate

I binge movies
I binge people
I binge arguments I lost
years ago in my head
till I am sweating under the blankets
like a pig

Every craving hits at once
like a gang mugging me in an alley
each one screaming
that I should dig

So I give in
throw my hands up
and let them tear pieces off me
till I feel full and hollow
at the same time

Then stagger to the mirror
see the wreck they left behind
and pretend I do not know the crime

I do not do moderation
never learned that in my skin
it is nothing or everything
starve or drown in it again

You tell me to log off
eat less
breathe
“maybe go for a walk”
like a stroll is going to fix decades
of clawing at an empty plate

Like one salad and a jog
will wipe out the years
my brain spent pacing the cage
waiting for love
that came too late

Fuck that
I am not a self-help poster
I am a dumpster fire with feelings
and a credit card

I know there is better
I know there is healthy
I know I am supposed to want
that calm balanced state

But if I am honest
when the dark hits
and the panic claws
what I want
is something I can chew
swallow
crush
and throw

Something I can shove
into the screaming hole
and hear it go quiet
for a minute or two

Even if it kills me
it was what I could do

When I wake up on the floor
mouth dry
body pissed off
shame buzzing like flies
around my head

I will swear I am done
like I always do
right up until the hunger says
“feed me or be dead”