Stuff My Mouth Till It Shuts
I eat till my stomach feels like it is stapled to my spine and still my fucking hands keep reaching for more on auto-pilot
Chicken bones like snapped fingers pointing out every time I tried to stop it and stayed quiet
I do not even taste it half the time, just shovel, chew
swallow
breathe like a busted engine running hot on old oil and spite
Trying to bury that wired-up panic under grease, sugar
salt
anything that makes my chest sit heavy for the night.
You say “have some self-control” with your fifth drink in your hand and your phone full of people you use as crutches when you crack
You judge my plate because it shows on my body while your poison hides inside your head and in the secrets you never unpack
At least my sin is honest when I stand up and feel the weight drag on my frame
Yours hides behind clean filters and iced coffee while you point at me and say I am the one with no shame.
There is a hole where feeling used to be
I am trying to plug it with whatever I can grab and tear apart
You want to cure me with a salad
My sickness is my heart.
Stuff my mouth till it shuts
till I cannot scream or care, Pack the hurt in burgers
fries, and dessert
wipe my face and dare Anyone to tell me I am wrong while they chew their own quiet sin
I will die with sauce on my lips before I starve to keep your thin.
I know this shit is killing me, veins thick, sweat sour
breath short walking up the stairs
I hear my joints grind like broken glass under the weight of ten thousand empty prayers
Doctors talk about numbers and charts while I stare at the clock thinking about the drive-through line
Trying to decide if one more binge is worth another slice off the end of my time.
I am not pretending this is noble
I am not pretending this is brave
I am just done pretending I am okay going to my grave Having lived like a polite little ghost
saying no to everything that ever made me moan
If this is how I go, I go bloated, fucked up
and known.
Stuff my mouth till it shuts
till I cannot scream or care, Pack the hurt in burgers
fries, and dessert
wipe my face and dare Anyone to tell me I am wrong while they chew their own quiet sin
I will die with sauce on my lips before I starve to keep your thin.
Carve “wanted more” on the slab
Not “played it safe and small, ” I was hungry
I stayed hungry, I ate through it all.