Pin Me To My Worst
You have a talent for finding the switch I spent years pretending I don’t have
walk in smiling like a sin dressed in denim and bad ideas
Take one look at me and somehow all my therapy
all my growth
all my “I’m a better person now” bullshit just disappears
You know exactly which joke to drop
which old memory to drag up from the gutter
which look to give me across a crowded room
And in ten minutes I’ve gone from “I’m fine
I’ve changed” to “fuck it, lock the door
let’s watch this burn.”
You like me ugly, like me selfish
like me furious and starved
like me clawing at your clothes with both hands while I forget my own worth
You whisper how much you missed this
how nobody else makes you feel like you’re about to fall apart and come back together inside the same birth
I tell myself you bring out the worst in me
but the truth is that part is the part I keep coming back for
The part of me that doesn’t care who we hurt as long as we keep pushing each other to the floor.
We could be better than this
But better doesn’t hit this hard
So we keep setting up the same scene In the same scarred yard.
You pin me to my worst and I let you
hands above my head, back against the wall
Every kiss a relapse, every touch a free fall
If lust is poison
you’re the dose I keep pouring after every “never again” burst
I don’t know who I am at my best
But I know you love me At my worst.
We pretend to be done every few months, drift apart
try on healthier lives like borrowed clothes
You date someone stable, I try to be honest
we post pictures that look normal, that look clean
that look like growth to those who don’t know
Then some night we end up at the same spot, same dive
same late hour
and your hand is on my wrist like no time passed at all
We trade that look across the room and everything else in our lives turns suddenly small.
No one makes me feel as alive as you do
Which is fucked
Because we’re poison through and through.
You pin me to my worst and I let you
hands above my head, back against the wall
Every kiss a relapse, every touch a free fall
If lust is poison
you’re the dose I keep pouring after every “never again” burst
I don’t know who I am at my best
But I know you love me At my worst.
You tell me you hate who you are with me while you’re climbing into my lap
nails digging into my shoulders like you’re trying to anchor to the edge of a cliff
I tell you I hate myself more out there than in here
that nothing feels this real, this loud, this sharp
this swift
We both know it’s bullshit and truth wrapped in the same dirty sheet
We both know we’re going to keep meeting like this Until one of us can’t stand on our feet. If I ever really grow up
really get clean
really become someone I’m not ashamed to see in the mirror at dawn
It’ll start with letting you go
Which is why I keep the lights dim And keep the curtains drawn.