I Fell In Love With Your Copay
You stand at the counter arguing in a soft voice with a clerk who looks like they died inside sometime back in June
They quote a number that might as well be outer space
you laugh in that cracked way that says rent and sanity are leaving soon
You reach for your card with hands that still shake from the reason you need these pills in the first place
I watch you make jokes about selling a kidney while your eyes flick to the exit in quiet disgrace.
You shove the bag into your backpack like contraband
shoulders up around your ears, jaw set hard
Mutter that you hate needing anything
hate that your brain runs on chemicals and a fucking plastic card
I follow you out through sliding doors that wheeze like they are just as fed up as us
You light a cigarette you swore you quit last year and say “sorry
I am a mess, ” you probably think I am too much.
I have seen you carry everyone else through their collapse
cracking jokes, making food
sharing rides at three a.m.
Never once calling them dramatic for needing help
never once treating their prescriptions like a flaw or a thing to condemn
Watching you treat your own needs like a crime makes something fierce in my chest sink and then rise like a slammed hymn.
I fell in love with your copay
with the way you still show up at that counter
shaking and pissed, Still choosing to stay
to swallow the pills
to fight your brain instead of disappearing into the black
That stupid number on a receipt cannot measure your worth
cannot tell the story of the nights you persist
I fell in love with your copay
and the stubborn heartbeat behind every refill on that list.
We sit in the car in the parking lot
you holding that little white bottle like it might explode in your hand
You say “I wish I was stronger
wish I did not need this crap
wish I could just handle my life like everyone else seems to stand
” I watch you twist the cap, swallow dry, make a face
then roll your shoulders like you are gearing up for another round
All I see in that small motion is courage in sweatpants
grit that never gets a proper sound.
You do not get bonus points for suffering untreated
pain does not make you holy
breakdowns do not need style, I just want you here
breathing, cursing
laughing at dumb memes with me for a long while
If a handful of pills helps that happen
then that little bag is sexy as hell in my file.
I fell in love with your copay
with the way you still show up at that counter
shaking and pissed, Still choosing to stay
to swallow the pills
to fight your brain instead of disappearing into the black
That stupid number on a receipt cannot measure your worth
cannot tell the story of the nights you persist
I fell in love with your copay
and the stubborn heartbeat behind every refill on that list.
One day maybe meds get cheaper
maybe care stops feeling like a luxury for people who win some invisible race
Maybe we walk out of a clinic laughing about parking instead of plotting which bill to set aflame
Till that day I will hold your hand in line
carry the bags when your fingers cramp
say your title Soft and steady every time you start to call yourself weak
every time that shame climbs back with its old claim.
I fell in love with your copay, not the number
the story
the choice to keep fighting when bed feels like a grave
You are not broken for needing help
not less worthy for swallowing something that helps your mind behave
You are a miracle of messy persistence
and I would stand in a thousand pharmacy lines if that is what it takes to save This self who keeps getting up
cursing at life, and still finding jokes in the waves.
Next time you hiss “I hate that I need this” while you sign that slip with shaking hand
Hear my voice in your head, laughing and fierce
saying “I love that you stayed
” that is the only thing that really stands.