Too Far Gone
There’s a numbness that grows like moss in my bones,
Years of letting go and never holding on–
It started slow, a missing spark, a skipped heartbeat,
A skipped meal, a skipped call,
Until I could no longer tell the difference between being alone and being gone.
I can’t feel the weight of what we tried to make,
Every memory just smoke in a sunless room,
All the love we built, all the words we hammered into promises–
I watch them break, shatter, sweep the pieces aside like dust from a tomb.
The world is full of windows I can’t see through,
I catch my reflection sometimes–a stranger in borrowed clothes,
Skin slack with fatigue, voice dulled by repetition,
A script I forgot how to read.
I used to care, once–burned my tongue on the wanting,
Dreamed of lives I’d never live,
Used to shape my days with ambition,
Used to believe something waited for me just beyond the pain.
But now, every night is another hour lost in the endless stream,
Silence stretching longer, rooms growing colder,
Walls closing in with the hush of defeat,
I drift through the hours with no destination,
Unable to mourn the parts of me I buried under years of pretending,
Too far gone to want, too far gone to grieve.
Fires once raged inside me–anger, hunger, need–
Now I sweep the ashes with indifferent hands,
Too far gone to recall what warmth was,
Too far gone to know if I ever belonged to this land.
I move through people like a ghost through walls–
Their words bounce off, their touch passes through,
I forget to answer, forget to remember,
Too far gone to even look for a clue.
I used to fight–clawed for meaning, spat blood for love,
Now I watch the days dissolve, a slideshow of surrender,
I don’t reach, don’t hope, don’t hurt,
I just drift, an automaton with fading circuits,
Too far gone to come back,
Too far gone to see the loss.
I sit in the dark, counting breaths I don’t feel,
Trying to recall who I was before this disintegration,
Every thought a shadow, every wish a bitter meal,
I stare at my hands–foreign, pale, unsteady–
Too far gone to build, too far gone to heal.
I am a shadow passing through your world,
A memory that will not stick, a name unspoken,
You could reach for me and never find the real–
I am too far gone to notice,
Too far gone to care if I’m broken.
My heart forgot how to echo,
My dreams forgot how to bloom,
The fire’s out–there’s nothing left to burn,
I am a monument to emptiness,
A warning carved into gloom.
Day by day, I slip further,
Each sunrise an accusation,
Each sunset a surrender.
I am too far gone to beg for rescue,
Too far gone for regret–
Only this numbness, this quiet,
A bed I have made and cannot leave.